[295.0]SometimesIwishI'dwakeupandallofmyskinandboneswouldbegone,completelyandutterly.Just,nothingleft.NothingbutthehollownessIfeeleverywakingmomentofmylife.Itrytotakemattersintomyownhands,figurativelyandliterally.Icarveintomyselfinattemptstosculptoutanewform.Prettylinesacrossmyarmstomakemeaprettygirl.IdontknowwhenorwhyIstartedbutatthispointIcan'tstop.It'sanitch.Thisburning,gnawingsensationthatclawsatthebackofmymindconstantly,beggingmetokeepcarving;keepmakingmyselftheharrowedwastethatIseewhenIglareatthemirror.IoftenwonderatwhatpointwillIstopbeingthedaughtermymotherrefusestosee,andbecomeanechoofmyformerself.HowlonguntilI'vecarvedawayeverythingthatmadememe.Iammyownshipoftheseus,Iguess. [295.0]IgrewupintheshadowofStJohn,loomingoverthefieldsandemptyroadsthatcradledmychildhood.Iprayedeverynightforanendtoeverything,IprayedthatI'dsimplynotwakeupthenextmorning.AtonepointwhenIwas8,maybe9,Istoppedpraying.Noonewaslisteninganyway.Everyyear,Novembercomesaround.EveryyearIfeelmybodydisfigureintosomethingIdon’trecogniseasmyown.Thisdisgustingfuckingmanthattrapsmeinsideofhim.ButthatwillneverchangeandI’matpeacewiththat.EventhoughI’mnot.Itellmyselfoverandoverthatmybodyisnotmytrueform,weareallsomethingmorethanthispitifulmortalexistence.ButIguessself-reasoningislesspotentthanfillingmyselfwithdrugsandthrowingmyselfoffofthecliff,sotospeak.Down,fardown,intothevoidofmiseryandself-hatredthatfuelseverythingIdo. [295.0]Isthatpathetic?Tomeitfeelsfuckingpathetic.Ifeellikeamistake,somegrotesquemiscarriagethattheuniversesqueezedoutofitsuterusandwatchedcrawlaroundontheEarth,slowlydyingfrommyownshittydecisions.Alwayslookingupandbeggingforapprovalortheslightesttouchoflovefrommycreator.AndsoIkeepmutliatingmyself,starvingmyselfintothisbeautifulwretchedcorpse.AtleastnowI’mbeautiful.Atleastnowthecontoursofmyribsmakemetheprettiestdollinthetoybox,thegentleststainonthebathroomfloor. [295.0]Iwanttobefaceless,thisnothinggirlwhonooneknowsandnoonesees.Iwanttorot,coldandalonefortherestoftime.Iwantnoonetohearme,forthescreamsIletouttofadegentlyintoobscurity,seepingintothesafeenclosureofthefourwallsthatcageme.Likebloodonamattress,liketearsintherain.